10 BDSM Facts You Won’t Learn From Watching Shows On Netflix

10 FACTS ABOUT BDSM

Yes people, watching “Bonding”, “Cam” or “Fifty Shades of Grey” on Netflix won’t suddenly make you a Dominatrix or fully fledged submissive. BDSM is much more complicated than that and involves an understanding of the human psychology.

1. So here’s what BDSM actually stands for:

Firstly BDSM stands for bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S), and sadism & masochism (S&M). Normally the roles of people involved are: – dominant, submissive, top, bottom, or both which is called “switch”. Also, think theatre. Each time you play kinky, the session is called a “scene” and each person involved is called a “player”.

Bondage doesn’t necessarily mean that physical ropes are involved in one’s play. You can interpret it as mental bondage – the bonds in which the dominant partner has the connection with their submissive.

Sadism is performed by the person who wants to inflict pain whether it be physical or emotional (sadist) and masochism or masochist, is the person who receives this treatment.

2. Televised BDSM is always more glamorous than it actually is

There’s a big the difference between a private play session and BDSM as a performance art. BDSM play can be hot, smelly, messy, stinky (especially where bodily fluids are concerned), experimental and things can go very wrong.

Scenes on television always miss out the conversations that Dominant and submissive players have before and after a session. That involves understanding safe words and conducting in aftercare which allows players have some calming time and reflection before you enter back into your every day lives.

3. You don’t have to be initiated into some “club” to say you are a kinkster. If you like kink, you already are one.

Throughout the 80’s and 90’s especially, BDSM seemed to be for people who were just “different”. It was viewed as something quite a niche, dangerous and exclusive.

People now seem to have more of an understanding that kinky play starts in the mind, and then can be explored in the bedroom more openly. Gone are the phonebox calling cards and word of mouth recommendations as now sessions can be sought out online or more freely in a dungeon with a Mistress. It’s much easier to have a kinky experience than it used to be.

Couple enjoying some BDSM in their bedroom
Couple enjoying some BDSM in their bedroom

4. It’s not all whips, chains, leather and dungeons

Contrary to popular belief, play is not just confined to the stereotypical images that you see of folks who practice BDSM.

Some play partners are more obvious about their BDSM relationships in public by wearing leather and walking their submissives by a dog lead, whilst others prefer to be more discreet wearing “vanilla” clothing and jewellery that symbolises their partnership.

Dominatrices and submissives meet and play in not just dungeons, but various different scenarios, such as at home, hotels, meeting for dinner, and go about completing everyday errands together.

Discrete BDSM collar jewellery by ToBeHis

5. But if you do whip, there are places on the body that definitely shouldn’t be whipped

Whipping, flogging or paddling submissives, is another one of those stereotypical images you think of when you think of BDSM. Even in the most brutal of whippings, there are areas of the body that are highly susceptible to long term injury, or offer little protection to your major organs and should be avoided.

Places you shouldn’t whip are:

  • Ears
  • Neck
  • Armpits
  • Elbows (outside and inside)
  • Wrists
  • Back of knees
  • Ankles
  • Kidneys
  • Tailbone
  • Spine
  • Hips
BSDS Impact Play Safety Zones
Image from Deviance and Desire

6. BDSM does not have to involve nudity, sex, or orgasms

BDSM ultimately is about control and the exchange of power. Play doesn’t even have to be sexual in any nature, as long as the people involved feel like one has the upper hand over the other. Because pornography was the main avenue that promoted BDSM, it gained the reputation of being very sexual and sometimes brutal.

There are fetishes and kinks such as tease and denial, wrestling, financial domination, sissification (dressing up in Women’s clothing) for example. Although these types of scenes are highly arousing, they aren’t necessary to involve or end with an orgasm or any particular “sexual” activity.

7. To play, you need to be a good communicator

Both the Dominant and submissive should say what they like and dislike. It’s important that players know and understand their own boundaries. Submissives who say “I would do anything you ask” are really setting themselves up for a terrible experience, and Dominants who take advantage of this need to put themselves in the shoes of the submissive. Everyone has limits and limits can and should be tested, but at a gradual pace so there is more understand, therefore leading to a deeper and more fulfilling experience.

“No” is a word to be used by both the dominant and submissive partner.

8. To get good at BDSM, you have to read, talk and play a lot

It takes years of knowing yourself and knowing other people to be able to enjoy a BDSM session fully. Kinky play can be incredibly deep for the psychology of one’s mind and if you find yourself a good partner, then the journey of self discovery will be so exciting.

Starting as a new kinkster you might be shy and the inexperience will show in not knowing how to react and respond to certain sensations. But as time goes on and you learn what turns you on, you can start to fine tune your experiences.

By reading erotica, talking to other kinksters and spending time with respective play partners you can continue to learn more about who you are.

9. There are varying degree’s of play, from the basic to the highly advanced

On television you’ll probably see a Dominatrix putting a man in handcuffs and brandishing a whip but there is even play you can engage in without face to face contact. Calling a dominatrix on her phone line is purely verbal. You can even do this in person too and step it up a notch with some tease and denial.

Highly advanced play includes physical contact such as strap-on, needle play, golden showers, scat, fisting and whipping. These levels are worked up to over periods of time and must be experienced with professionals or someone you trust completely. Things can go very wrong in these scenarios or become very dangerous.

10. BDSM is supposed to be fun

With online domination becoming more and more popular, it’s easy to be drawn to a Domme because of a picture of her “stern face”, or for a Domme to become all consumed with just working to be able to pay bills and be liked by her peers.

Ultimately, being involved in BDSM gives us all a form of escape from the harsh realties of life. The most important part of domination and submission is that you both have a great time in your session, or have a good relationship. After your session you should be left feeling fulfilled and happy, and if not, maybe try something different. Life after all is a never ending journey of discovery.

Connect with me online

Did you enjoy this article? Connect with me and let me know. Plus I’d love to hear your ideas for other topics of discussion.

Miss Foxx: twitter.com/MissFoxxFD & twitter.com/MissFoxx_FD

Written exclusively for Female Fetish Federation

4 responses to “10 BDSM Facts You Won’t Learn From Watching Shows On Netflix”

  1. My style of Domination is so much softer than whips and chains. It’s just not my style it wouldn’t be natural. I prefer psychological Domination. I ease them in with seduction and then own the space in their mind.

  2. I never get naked in front of my Submissives. That’s for my partner only. My Submissives are all about worshipping ME and pleasing ME! So they do not need to see me naked.

  3. When my Domme is having fun I feel so safe and comfortable. Her beautiful sadistic smile just makes me melt!

  4. My favourite Dommes are the ones who have fun with it. There is nothing hotter than a Domme who genuinely laughs during a session!

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