So, you’re considering entering into a full relationship with your domme or sub, are you? Though at first it may sound like a completely insane and irresponsible thing to do, it’s not quite as uncommon as you’d be led to believe. And what’s more – it can work!
From an outsider perspective, a dom/sub relationship may appear at best unconventional, but at worst just plain dysfunctional. But there’s more to it than that; more dynamics at play. Speak with anyone in the scene who’s managed to cultivate a successful d/s relationship, and both partners will inevitably speak of how invigorated, free, and fulfilled they feel. So, when trying to consider what your life would be like if you took the plunge into an (almost) conventional relationship status with your dom/sub, the first thing you should ask yourself is – is this just about sex? Because, if it is, you’ll inevitably struggle with the day-to-day stuff.
‘Is this just kink, or is there more there’?
First up, it’s key that you have a solid idea what to do to maintain and feed the relationship outside of the parameters of the bedroom, where ‘all the fun stuff’ happens. But; and this might come as a surprise to you – there’s plenty of fun to be had outside of the bedroom with the d/s dynamic! There are ways to extend that part of your life into the public realm, whilst still maintaining an air of discretion.
For example, with a former mistress, I had a day collar and a night collar, and I was never allowed to take them off or change them; only she could do that. I would wear these to work, on social outings, and even when meeting up with family (concealed under clothing, obviously). As we were a domestic partnership too, it was also my job to check in with her regularly to see did she need a coffee, drink, massage, or cuddle. So, from a sub viewpoint, if you don’t genuinely take pleasure in that kind of ‘service’, entering into a relationship with your domme just isn’t gonna work for you.
Communication, as always, is key.
So, we see then that there can be rules and tasks outside of the bedroom, but these can be a risky business too – so like before a BDSM session, there has to be some form of contract/understanding in play. For example, it’s not really fair to interfere with someone to the point where their work is jeopardised, and things like bathroom control just aren’t for everyone. Have the discussion.
No. Have several discussions as you go, as new scenarios gradually introduce themselves into your daily life. Most of the time, what this relationship feels like is actually pretty normal. It even feels damn close to vanilla at points, but it comes with an underlying knowledge that at any point the dominant partner can exert control over the submissive – and there’s honestly just something so exciting about that.
It’s more than just sex.
Most importantly, always remember to check in with each other to make sure that your boundaries are intact and that everyone is comfortable with the set-up. Communication is key. As is aftercare (and I mean this from both perspectives). Start off slow; though you may already have accumulated loads of ideas and expectations on how this whole thing is going to pan out – just chill. Introduce one new element at a time so as to avoid overwhelming your partner, or even yourself.
Enjoy the intense cerebral element of the relationship. The mind-play and the build-up outside of the bedroom often make the release so much more enjoyable when its playtime. The brain, as they say, is the biggest sex-organ.
A D/s dynamic, most importantly, is only a part of a relationship. It can’t be the sole driving force behind your will to spend more time with this person – it can be a big part of it, but you also need to be somewhat compatible in a plethora of different ways. Apart from that, if you’re willing to take things step by step, and be honest, open, respectful and communicative, there’s absolutely no reason why I wouldn’t recommend extending the relationship you already have into something a bit more.