My Sexuality Isn’t Just About Me
For a long while, I faced difficult time having sex. Since my first partner to be honest, who only wanted to “get experience” before going for the one she truly wanted. I postpone writing this, because for a long time my sexuality was pleasing women, no matter how, financially, orally, usually not in any other way because I just cancelled myself. But as I looked into it more, I realized that it’s a conditioning I got at home.
My dad, used to let me feel like I’m not as good as him so he could feel better. I’m not blaming him, he had his problems, and I need to own my my life and decide my path. Although it was difficult for many reasons, at the end, I realized that yes, I am submissive. I do look for approval, I’m everything my parents brainwashed me to be, but in the most primal level, under all those layers of lies I told to myself, i’m also selfish. I do want to be heard, I do want to enjoy with my sexual partners, sometimes, not even equally. I want to be able to demand and to live life as me, and not as my parents raised me to be, unconsciously and without intention for it to happen.
It is a rare thing I feel that way, and took a lot of work to get there, but I know it’s the truth. It’s more authentic than any submissive feeling I ever had. I do get more pleasure from being submissive and do as I’m told. For a long while my ideal sexual life fantasy was living in a cage, serving Mistress selflessly. But, it is a mask I wear, a lie I tell myself and for most parts believe in it. It is my fear of criticism, my fear of dealing with what’s scares me. Those are the things that in my eyes, make a beta type person. Not the length of the penis, or anything else, but being afraid of dealing with uncomfortable situations. And in my heart, I know that it’s not what I’ve meant to be.
I want to be as honest as I can – huge parts of me enjoy submission, love pleasing, aroused by humiliation, anxious of intimacy and sex, and wants to live in chastity and serve my Mistress forever, but a bigger, more authentic part, a part that I never listen to, almost never hear or see, feels being deserve of love, of someone that I could lean on, and she will be mine, as much as I will be Hers, that my Mistress will sees me, as what I really am. A guy that was raised to be afraid of everything, to overthink, and eventually won every battle in the way of realizing in what cage he was really lived in. Being unafraid or ashamed to ask for help and to rely on other people, to allow himself to be selfish in some cases because it’s ok to be selfish to get what you want. Your goal doesn’t have to be bad or not as important as someone else’s, and I don’t have to step aside for anyone.
I will be heard, and if I won’t get what I want, I will also be fine with it, because I’m a winner. I can say whatever I want, it doesn’t mean I have to get it. I am the guy that did all of the above, but can’t deal with his innermost insecurities, and that is what keeps me a slave. But the real me, worships my Mistress more than the slave, and wish she could see it as well.