Frequently Asked Questions: What’s the Difference Between a ‘Kinkster’ and a Submissive? Your Resident Sub Responds…

Right, so you’re new to the scene. Maybe you’ve dabbled a bit before with a partner, maybe you’re just now having a form of sexual awakening (I’ve seen people have these right up to a very ripe old age). And now you’re finding yourself drawn to the idea of submission – you’re more turned on by being on your knees serving than merely seeking immediate self-gratification. But your research has also left you somewhat confused. First up; this is totally normal – I get it. It’s a bit daunting sure, and psychologically speaking it can be pretty easy to slip into a pattern of over-analysing the reasons behind your desires. Where your efforts might be best spent is in figuring out what exactly you’re looking for. By that, I mean assessing whether you’re a kinkster at heart, or a full-blown submissive.

But how will I know which one I am?

The simple yet frustrating answer is that straight away, you probably won’t. But read on and see if you identify with any of these characteristics below as I make my very best attempt at clarifying a few key differences.

Kinksters, as described by the BDSM community, are those who are definitely into the kinkier side of things, but yet who can also end up in conventional style relationships with vanilla partners. Naturally, in these relationships compromise and consent play a central role. The kinkster must be willing to accept and respect that their partner has limits in the bedroom. Likewise, this may also be reciprocated with a willingness on the vanilla side to allow the occasional bit of kinky play – some light bondage or spanking perhaps. Nothing that either partner is compromised by. What’s more, these relationship types can be seen to work in the long run, with the kinkster never feeling the need to explore elsewhere in order to satisfy their underlying sexual desires.

Okay, but what if there’s a little bit more to my desires than that?

Yeah, maybe you’ve accepted that you’re into the kinkster bit, and you’re comfortable within those parameters. Perhaps you’ve done your research and found that the submissive thing all sounds a bit too extreme – especially the 24/7 D/s situation. But, with that you’re also kind of a little turned on despite your apprehension? The idea of being ordered around, being spanked, being pushed to your outer sexual limits by your dom and being subject to their every whim sounds good to you, perhaps? Well, if that’s where you’re at, I’m equal parts delighted and afraid to inform you that you may be a sub at heart.

But don’t worry – it’s not that weird.

Red and black sexy toy at office background

According to Kinkly.com, 11% of men and 17% of women have at least experimented with bondage at some point.  So, submissive behaviour clearly comes naturally to many, but how do you know if you’re one of them? Generally, a true sub will feel the need to improve their doms life more so than their own, but not only that – they’ll take their enjoyment from this. This too extends beyond the confines of the sexual realm. We love to please our partners in a wide range of different ways. There’s powerplay in every element of our dealings with them, ranging from subtle public acts to, well… you can guess the rest I’m sure. If this is the sort of dynamic you could imagine being comfortable with on a day to day basis, you’ve probably escalated a little beyond the kinkster label – and that’s okay. This doesn’t diminish your power level in the world at large. In fact, many of my fellow subs are highly driven successful people. They just crave something a little different in their private space and within themselves.

Someone to show you the ropes.

So, if you’re reading this and erm… chomping at the bit wanting to delve into this world, let it be known that it’s not seedy or in any way toxic when you make the right calls. For example, if your willingness to explore this comes from within rather than from some form of coercion dealt by a current partner that wants to dominate you, I’d recommend giving it a shot. If not, don’t. Look up your local ‘munch’ meetings (they’re generally very safe and welcoming spaces) and do a little research on how to engage with a potential dominant. Most of all though; be yourself and be honest as to what kind of submissive you want to be. Only this way can you find a partner that’s right for you.

However, if you find that it’s all just a bit much for you after all, there’s always plenty of fun to be had as a kinkster. That’s all from me – I hope some of you found this some way useful. Wishing any new subs a very exciting and gratifying journey on your way to the bottom!

Written exclusively for Female Fetish Federation

4 responses to “Frequently Asked Questions: What’s the Difference Between a ‘Kinkster’ and a Submissive? Your Resident Sub Responds…”

  1. Nothing wrong with that! There’s always a welcome for those wanting to experiment and push their boundaries that little bit further – some might even like it!

  2. If you haven’t checked it out, try Fetlife. It’s a pretty good meet-up site, even though it can be a bit seedy at times. Twitter, oddly enough, is a great spot to chat with doms (once you approach correctly). I’d recommend chatting to some subs on Twitter first to get your head around it all.

  3. Really great article, thank you. It really is apparent these days (especially on Twitter) that us men are confused about how we define ourselves. So many of us claim to be slaves when really we are just kinksters, or not even that, just horny guys wanting to try something new haha

  4. It’s so hard to find a good domme online though, and I’m wayyy too nervous to just walk into one of them ‘munch’ meetings knowing nobody. Anyone got any tips on how to meet someone online? Is there a forum somewhere that I’m missing out on?

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