Who Am I?
I currently live life stuck between who I am, and who I pretended to be. There are good reasons to do with family, that won’t last long, but for now it comes at a heavy cost.
As much as I can, I do live as a woman, I have been focusing on ‘the reversibles’, for about 6 months now I have been having facial hair lasered. Although there is a way to go, it has allowed me to dial back the makeup a lot, I have also grown and dyed my hair, it’s now cut in a bob, with a high back, and my ears are pierced. It all acts as a confidence boost, and helps keep the anxiety at bay. Even without makeup, the face in the mirror is now more androgynous.
Without wearing makeup, if I wear ambiguous clothes, family will see me as a guy, but I get responses either way from people in the street, just yesterday in male office clothes a shop-keeper seemed to think I was a woman, and I have had similar experiences recently. Generally on weekends, I present as a woman, with makeup, skirt etc. similarly when I traveling, when there isn’t the possibility of seeing family.
I have approval to start on hormones any time, this is one of the things I am delaying for now, because it will get a bit obvious to family at the moment when my As turn into Ds. I would like to have ‘bottom’ surgery, but I think a tummy-tuck might be first – I am working on my weight.
I have lived my life hiding who I was, I did it by withdrawing into myself when I needed protection. My aim for the future is to show people who I am, not simply a Woman, but through expression of my creative side. A person I met before coming out obliquely described me as an empty vessel, she was being harsh, but I knew she was right, I was hiding so much for fear of giving myself away, that there was nothing left to see.
I’m looking for new things to try, and revisiting some things I left behind. At the moment I am looking for a piano teacher. Music is my passion, I learned Guitar and Piano when young, but put both aside a long time ago as I needed to concentrate on education, I have kept involved in music through sound engineering, and now want to get back to making music.
The sort of music that appeals to me is dealing with experiences and feelings, hope, love, loss and the rest on human experience. I’m getting ahead of myself, but I would love to learn to bring my experiences to my music.
I also love photography, especially landscape, and the travel and space it entails, I do want to do more travel.
At 54, I don’t really dare hope for a relationship, but I do hope to meet new friends, and if any turns into a long-term relationship, that would be wonderful. I am inherently an optimist, but I’m realistic enough to know not many people are looking for me, Trans women, especially at my age are a ‘niche market’.