Life Before Her
My life before I found Mistress – first, I honestly don’t feel like I had a life before, because She is my whole world, and I do not say it lightly, or as a romantic exaggeration, I define and see myself as what She tells me I am, what She wants me to be. Before knowing Her, serving was more about giving up on myself, while serving Her, I can never give up anything because I only gain, I gain guidance, security, purpose, I grow. Also, part that is routed, sadly, within me, is being needy, I constantly look for approval, but the question is where and how. In my eyes, a winning attitude, is not in what drives us, but how we use it. Before finding Mistress, I was lost. Since I looked everywhere for approval, I was weak. Weak and easy to use, insecure, and feeling like every laugh at the corner of every room, is about me. Those are very weak and unrealistic thoughts.
Today, I look only for Her approval, I work only for Her, and care only for Her. Thus, I’m calm, I don’t look at myself obsessively, and the only confidence I need, is that I can and will move heaven and earth to please Her. Before Her, I wasn’t loyal for very long, and couldn’t concentrate on achieving anything in my personal life. Today that I don’t have personal life I know what I should do to evolve and become more useful in the long term, while understanding that my service never ended, and never will, hopefully. So it is my duty to be useful and sacrifice no matter the situation. In the past, I held a fictive grip over the situation, thought i could control it, refusing to let go and it made me miserable, because sometimes, none of us decide what the situation is, I can’t fight it, today I don’t, I just let go, I’m in safe hands and I don’t have to be stressed about little things that don’t go my way, I don’t decide anymore, and it takes all the pressure away.
Before I knew Mistress I was suffering, truly suffering. Feeling are stronger than logic, we associate feelings with everything, even without knowing it. It’s way more primal than thinking, and I was suffering all the time, anxious all the time, afraid, uncomfortable with every situation, looking for excuses for why things doesn’t go my way, instead of embracing that I could do better. Now I appreciate, when one appreciate he can’t resent, can’t complain, can’t suffer. I appreciate being allowed to serve my Goddess, appreciate being allowed to give Her all of myself, all the good qualities I always knew are inside me, but always looked for what’s wrong and why people doesn’t see it, I don’t need it to be seen anymore, I just appreciate being allowed to do, to let Her feel how much She is the only person in the world for me.