The Beginner’s Guide to BDSM Part 2 – The Importance of Consent

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Welcome back to “The Beginner’s Guide to BDSM. Last week I dropped part one of this series and I talked about the importance of Safe Words and Safe Actions. Great place to start! So now, you and your partner (romantic or otherwise) have to decided to explore the world of kink and BDSM, you’ve picked out a clear Safe Word/Safe Action and… what now? In this article I’m going to focus on consent. I mentioned the word consent in the last article, but I didn’t go into it in a lot of detail. “But Leesha, we’ve already agreed that we both want to try BDSM! I’m going to be the Dominant, and we’ve picked our Safe Word and our Safe Action. We’ve got consent covered!” WRONG! Consent is so much more than just picking a Safe Word/Action. It takes preparation, communication, and the awareness that consent is fluid.

The Basics

To give consent is to voluntarily agree to do something or to allow someone to do something to you. We need to remember, that when this comes to sex and BDSM, it’s not just a blanket term. Consent must be given for each element of the play session. e.g.

  • I am a Submissive and have a professional Domme. She has given me consent to worship her body. This does not mean she has given consent to a kiss on the lips.
  • My Submissive gives me consent to tie them up and blindfold them for teasing pleasure. This does not give me consent for vaginal and/or anal insertion unless clearly and specifically discussed beforehand.

Understand the difference?

Consent in the preparation process

It's all about consent
Just because a person has consented to kink play does not mean they’ve consented to sex

When preparing for a play session, there’s a few different factors of consent that you need to discuss before ever stripping down and dressing up.

  • Your kinks – Yes this falls under consent because it provides a list of what you want to explore during the play session.
  • Soft Limits – This is a list of kinks you’re open to trying but are not 100% sure about whether you’ll enjoy. e.g. You may like to explore the idea of cuckolding. It may turn out that it’s not for you and you may not want to try it again, but you wanted to give it a try to be sure.
  • Hard Limits – This is a list of kinks you’re definitely not interested in playing with. Hard limits vary from person to person. It can be as simple as not wanting to be called a certain name or not wanting to engage in certain play. There is no “right or wrong” to your list of hard limits once everyone’s playing consensually and within the eyes of the law.*
  • SSC – Safe, Sane, Consensual. This is so important to take into consideration before beginning a session. Has the equipment you will be using been checked recently to ensure it’s safe? Are you both healthy enough to conduct this particular style of play safely? Are you both of sound mind (not under the influence and in a good mental state) in order for this play to be considered safe? Has everyone involved given consent?
  • RACK – Risk, Aware, Consensual, Kink. With all kink, especially kink involving specific equipment, there are risks. All parties need to make sure these risks have been assessed before the session ever starts. Is there a first aid kit close? Have you taken into account any allergies/health conditions? Have you checked consent? (you can never check consent too many times!)
  • Taboo vs. Illegal – Some kinks are more taboo than others. Recently here at FFFBuzz.com we’ve discussed Race Play which is often quite controversial. While controversial, race play is totally legal between consenting adults. When I say illegal, I’m talking about ANYTHING that goes against the law. Minors, animals, someone who cannot give consent (possibly in a public setting), etc.

* It’s important to note that your hard and soft limits can change at any time.

It’s ok for your limits to change

When starting out with BDSM, you may want to take things slow and have a long list of hard limits. As you feel more comfortable in the community and with your partner, you may become more open to trying new things. It’s also important to acknowledge that a kink you may have once enjoyed, you may no longer want to indulge in. This could be for any number of reasons and you do not have to give anyone a reason for not wanting to engage in a kink any longer. It may even be as simple as you don’t feel like playing with that particular style of kink on that day! This is why it is always important to check before each session what your partners limits are.

Consent is totally fluid!

Checking in on consent can be made sexy with dirty talk

As I just mentioned, a person’s hard and soft limits can change. But it’s not just that they can change before a session. They can change throughout the session too. It is important to be aware of this. A person can withdraw their consent at any given time throughout a session. This is why we use safe words or actions and why it’s good practice to check throughout the session. This doesn’t have to ruin the mood. Not at all! You can totally incorporate checking consent into a session and make it really hot! A simple way to do this is to incorporate it into your dirty talk like this!

Dominant: Do you like that?

Submissive: I do (insert their title)

Dominant: Good. I think it’s time for a good spanking my little sub. Don’t you?

Submissive: I think it would be much better if you slapped me and spat on me (insert title). I think that would really teach me a lesson.

This is a very basic example of how the submissive can retract their consent to spanking, but suggest a solution to keep the scene going without the mood being dampened.

~My personal favourite is when my partner asks if I want head! We love to have a giggle and be silly while having sex, even when including BDSM, so he normally says something like: “You want a magic beard ride?”

Consent is Queen!

Consent is Queen! (Higher than King!) It is vital to discuss consent before any session and it’s important when playing in the BDSM world. No one should walk away from a session feeling uncomfortable. No one should feel taken advantage of. Consent keeps BDSM and kink a safe and exciting place to explore your fantasies and desires. Consent is not just sexy, it’s essential!

Do you have any examples of how to make sure consent is present in a session? Do you have a great idea how to include consent in dirty talk with a play partner(s)? Let us know in the comments below or on our Twitter post.

Written exclusively for Female Fetish Federation

4 responses to “The Beginner’s Guide to BDSM Part 2 – The Importance of Consent”

  1. I once had a terrible experience where a Dom didn’t respect my limits and pushed them too far. It left me feeling unsafe and vulnerable. The subdrop was very real after.

  2. When talking to vanillas/newbies they often aren’t aware that Dommes have to give consent too. They assume that Dommes are in control and so therefore they don’t need to give consent. But they do. I have a list of limits and I make sure my subs know these before even discussing a session.

  3. People can so often forget that Consent is fluid. Thank you for reiterating this! Knowing my Domme is aware of this makes me feel safe and allows me to relax into the session.

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